Building Happy Relationships
According to Brian Tracy, 85% of your happiness is determined by your relationships with other people. Brian also tells us that:
“True, genuine, deep-down happiness and inner peace is the hallmark of mental health. To the degree to which you can achieve your own peace and happiness, you are a truly healthy, fully functioning, fully integrated, self-actualizing human being. If you can accomplish everything else in the world, but you cannot achieve your own happiness, to that degree you are a failure,” (Tracy, B., n.d.).
This statement says a lot about the power and the miracle of friendships and love. Friendships and love are truly what makes the world go around.
The primary aim in most of our lives is to simply be happy. If each of us doesn’t set our own happiness as a top priority, then, in essence, no one else is going to do that for us.
Since you can’t give something away you don’t have, it’s foolish to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of someone else’s. Our relationships can make our lives much more enjoyable, but they can also make our lives miserable if we allow them to.
Relationships are not a peripheral thing in our lives they are the central theme. If you go through life with happy, loving, and fulfilling relationships, you will always be a success.
Humans are social animals, and we were born to be with other people. Our whole identity including our self-esteem, self-respect, self-image and everything else is determined by the reactions of other people from the moment we open our eyes at birth.
One of the smartest things you can do for yourself, in terms of your life success, is to become a relationship expert.
We all have one thing in common with each other - the desire to be happy and fulfilled in life.
Aristotle put it quite nicely when he talked about people in terms of their quest to continually strive to achieve a goal.
"Aristotle's great contribution to human thought was his conclusion that behind every interim goal that a person strives for, there is yet another goal, and then another, and another, and another, until the individual arrives at the final goal. And the final goal is always happiness, (Tracy, B., n.d.).
This makes sense when you think about it because most goals in life boil down to one overall goal - the goal of being happy and at peace.
For example, most goals in life often end up with the same end result - you want more money or a better job so you can live a better life and a happier life. Each of us is striving for something, but in the end, our main goal is the pursuit of happiness and peace.
Happiness Defined
How do you define happiness? For many of us, it is an elusive quality. As humans we are not really hardwired for happiness, we are hardwired for survival.
Many of us find ourselves rushing through life, chasing happiness; but the problem is we never quite get there. Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination. Many of us are on a quest to be happy; the problem is we have trouble enjoying the moment because happiness is something we think we will achieve sometime in the future.
Do any of these phrases sound familiar?
I will be happy when I get out of school.
I will be happy when I get married.
I will be happy when I start making more money.
I will be happy when I finally have a child.
I will be happy when my child finally moves out of the house.
I will finally be happy when I retire.
Before you know it, you have frittered your life away in an elusive quest for happiness, and you still haven’t figured out how to be happy. Whether or not someone is happy really depends on his or her individual perspective. Many of us are afraid to be happy because we are so used to the raw negative emotions and the pain that it becomes a way of life.
Negative emotions like fear and aggression are as developed in animals as they are in humans, thanks to the fight or flight response.
Fight or Flight Response
There are two distinct nervous systems in the human body– the Central Nervous System and the Autonomic Nervous System. The Central Nervous System or CNS is the processing center of the nervous system and it utilizes the brain and the spinal cord.
The Autonomic Nervous System or ANS as we will call it regulates the functions of your internal organs such as your heart, stomach, and intensities. The ANS has two divisions, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous system.
The sympathetic nervous system or SNS controls your ability to respond to emergencies – in other words, it is your fight or flight syndrome. The SNS controls your heart rate, your respiration, and even your blood pressure. This system also releases adrenaline to give you energy if you need it during an emergency. The SNS can also come into play when you are nervous or anxious.
The parasympathetic nervous system or PNS creates the opposite response. It slows down the rate of the heart, the blood pressure, and even the respiration. The PNS restores the body to a state of peace of calm so that the body can conserve energy.
These two systems cannot operate at the same time. When you meditate or relax deeply you can activate the PNS in order to help your mind and the body to relax. When you are able to relax deeply, you are able to tap into your subconscious mind, where changes are more easily made.
Stress and relaxation are actually opposite body responses because it is absolutely impossible to feel stressed and relaxed at the same time. Stress and anxiety are something everyone has to deal with on a day-to-day basis. You normally only become aware of something like stress when it begins to overwhelm you in some way.
When you sense danger, whether it is real or imagined, your body’s fight or flight response and your nervous system kicks into high gear. Your body is well equipped to handle most types of stressful situations, but too much stress can cause you to break down. In a sense, stress is your body’s warning system and it is a signal that something needs to be addressed.
Now stress in small doses can actually be a good thing because short bursts of stress can actually strengthen your immune system. Stress can also help you with your motivation levels by kicking you into high gear to help you get things done. But, too much stress can be a very bad thing. Stress releases special hormones in the body, called cortisol, which can create all kinds of issues from tension in the body, fatigue, weight gain, fogginess, sleepless nights, and much more.
If not dealt with properly, stress can be the cause of anxiety, depression, serious illness, and even death. Stress can definitely impact your ability to attract and be a part of a healthy relationship, so it's important to find ways to counteract it.
The dictionary defines happiness as the quality or state of being happy, good fortune, joy, a state of well-being or contentment, or a pleasurable or happy experience.
However, this definition, doesn't really explain to us exactly what happiness is or isn’t. Some synonyms for happiness include things like exhilaration, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction, bliss, contentment, pleasure etc.
The dictionary also tells us that happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one might consider good.
The opposite of happiness is misery, and we certainly know a lot about that as humans. None of this really helps us define the state of happiness - so it is helpful to take a look at how science defines happiness.
The Science of Happiness
Psychotherapy, first formalized by Sigmund Freud, was designed around the premise of focusing in on your faults and agonizingly analyzing your deepest and darkest drives.
This certainly does not sound like much of a recipe for happiness. Positive psychology works on a much different premise altogether because it emphasizes people’s strengths and virtues instead of their weaknesses.
Dr. Martin Seligman, one of the founders of positive psychology, often uses happiness and well-being interchangeably.
His definition of happiness includes both positive feelings, such as ecstasy and comfort, and positive activities that have no feelings component at all or things such as absorption and engagement.
Dr. Seligman also states that a happy life is a life filled with positive feelings and activities; the degree to which you experience these feelings most of the time tells you your level of enduring or true happiness (Positive Psychology, 2011).
Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, another positive psychologist, defines happiness as the fuel to thrive and flourish and to leave the world in better shape than you found it.
Dr. Frederickson also tells us that happiness is something you tap into whenever you feel energized and excited by new ideas or anytime you feel playful, silly or creative.
Akin to going with the flow, happiness means having that ability to lose yourself in something to the point that you don’t notice the passage of time so maybe that is what enjoying the moment or being present is really all about.
It could also be that happiness is a self-fulfilling prophecy; if you think we are happy, then maybe you are. If you think we are unhappy, then surely you are.
What Makes us Happy?
What really makes us happy in the long run? Many of us are familiar with the phrase “going with the flow;” it means we are completely engaged in whatever we are doing at the time to the point that we lose track of time.
What is it though that makes your heart sing and what is the difference between happiness and joy you might ask? We know happiness is not a static state because even the happiest people feel blue sometimes.
Happiness is something that is quite difficult to measure because it is often subjective.
The idea of happiness might even have a set point, one in which you keep returning to, no matter what happens in life.
What does the brain tell us about happiness? Can you train your brain to be happy? Possibly so, because according to some theories, the brain’s natural plasticity means that it has the ability and the capacity to change over time, and more research is being done every day.
The amount of knowledge we have acquired over the last 20 years has doubled. When it comes to the brain, there is still much we do not know. There are schools of thought that say that we can increase our neural networks in our brain to cultivate more positive states of mind.
When people consciously practice something like gratitude, they are most likely getting higher flows of reward-related neurotransmitters, like dopamine.
It seems the brain can be sculpted because as information flows through it, neurons fire together in particularly complex ways based upon the information they are representing.
In simpler terms, certain regions of the brain can actually stitch together new connections with each other, which is amazing.
Those who meditate regularly have been known to have thicker measurable brains in certain key regions, one of which is the insula, which is involved in what is called interoception, or the tuning into the state of your body as well as your deeper set feelings (Harvard Gazette, 2006).
We actually lose about 10,000 brain cells a day, but according to research, it may be possible to slow this loss. There are schools of thought that say that routinely focusing on the negative and on things we regret, actually builds out the neural substrates of those actual thoughts and feelings. This is quite the profound statement, much like our theory of happiness being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Chemicals in the Brain
What exactly are those chemicals in our brains that cause us to be happy? Endorphins, which are neurotransmitters, are chemicals in the brain that attach to certain parts of the nervous systems. They have been known to help people push through the pain per se and the release of endorphins has been shown to increase happiness, along with helping to give people certain superhuman qualities.
While endorphins exist in sites all over the body, dopamine, which is another feel-good neurotransmitter, exists mainly in the midbrain.
Dopamine helps keep the stressed out body feeling good. Serotonin is also made in the brain, but it travels to the blood and has been shown to have some effect on the brain.
People with low serotonin levels have been known to suffer from depression, although researchers are not 100% sure whether the depression lowers the serotonin as a side effect or if the lack of serotonin causes the depression.
Happiness can also be defined by one’s physiology because as people’s moods shift from tense to happy, researchers have been able to measure changes in blood pressure, circulation, and heartbeat.
At the Institute of Heart Math, they have studied the variability of heart rates and they found that people who are unhappy tend to have more irregular heartbeats while people that were happy had more regular heartbeats.
It has been theorized that happiness activates the sympathetic nervous system, which stimulates the flight or fight response.
Joy, on the other hand, stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls rest and digestive functions.
We weep only from joy or grief whereas we laugh from either joy or happiness. Without the pain of captivity or farewell, there would be no joy of freedom or reunion, much like the yin versus the yang. One school of thought tells us that joy is connecting with the source of life within you while happiness is based more on observing or rather doing something you really like. Happiness can be fleeting while joy can be continuous. Joy is self-enabling and comes from within while happiness is more dependent upon something or someone outside of yourself.
The more you feel happiness from within, the more that happiness resonates from you, bringing you even more happiness. In a nutshell, happiness comes from the outside while pure joy comes from within.
Importance of Relationships to Mental and Emotional Stability
How important are relationships when it comes our mental and emotional stability you might ask? The answer is very important!
Those who are emotionally healthy are in better able to handle life's challenges along the way. When you are emotionally healthy, you are also able to build stronger relationships and recover from setbacks.
Mental and Emotional Health
Refers to your overall psychological well-being and health.
This includes the way you feel about yourself.
The way you manage your feelings and deal with difficulties.
The quality of your relationships.
Those who are mentally healthy and emotionally healthy tend to have:
A better sense of contentment.
More zest for living.
Ability to laugh and have fun.
Better able to deal with stress.
Better able to bounce back from adversity.
More flexibility.
Better work life balance.
More able to build and maintain healthy relationships.
More self-confidence and self-esteem.
The Role of Resilience
How resilient are you?
Being emotionally and mentally healthy means that you are able to bounce back and better deal with adversity and problems. No one escapes problems not even the wealthiest person in the world.
We all go through our own share of disappointments, problems, loss, and change. These are normal parts of life, however, they can still cause sadness, anxiety, and stress.
The difference is that those with good emotional health have an ability to bounce back from adversity, stress, and trauma. This ability is known as resilience. People who are emotionally and mentally healthy have the coping tools necessary to handle difficult situations and they manage to maintain a positive outlook.
One of the key factors in resilience is having that ability to balance stress and your emotions. When you have the ability and capacity to recognize your emotions and you are able to express them in a healthy manner, you often avoid depression and anxiety.
It's also important to have a strong support network of friends and family because having trusted people you can turn to for encouragement and support will boost your resilience in tough times.
What about happiness and relationships? How do our relationships impact our happiness?
Relationships can have a huge effect on our lives; when they are great, they are great; when they are bad, they are really bad.
To test this theory, you can try asking yourself the deathbed question: On your deathbed, will you wish you had spent more time at the office, or with your friends and family?
I think you already the answer because in the end it is the love in our heart that we remember with the greatest joy.
While happiness is important within the context of a relationship, it shouldn’t be the only thing that makes you happy.
Relationships need to be nurtured and enjoyed, but it’s important for each party to bring their own happiness to the table, for we must support each other during the ups and downs, which inevitably occur.
Many of us have learned early in life that other people determine our happiness - but that is really not the case.
This is such a deep set belief that it stays with us for a lifetime. We look for happiness in everything and everyone expect ourselves. The truth of the matter is this is a false belief we create about relationships.
We have all been guilty at one time or another of saying: “he or she makes me so happy!” However, the truth is that only you can make yourself happy, you probably just don’t know how to anymore.
Rejection is painful, so we often do not want to deal with the painful emotions that are associated with someone rejecting us. Deep down, we fear being alone and this fear within us drives us to make poor decisions in our relationships and our behavior.
Each of us is responsible for our own happiness and joy; however, sometimes we find that we are surrounded by people that bring us down, and that can be a difficult challenge.
Getting rid of the Naysayers
It’s hard to make room for new things or new people in your life when there are things (or people, who are weighing you down. It has been said that in order to make room for new things in your life, you must first purge the old.
The truth is, this applies to people as well as things because sometimes it is the people in our lives that drag us down. If you are to expect new things to come into your life, then you must first get rid of the old things that are currently weighing you down.
This is much easier said than done, because we get very attached to our things and our relationships, even if they aren’t healthy for us or even if they are no longer serving a useful purpose. Sometimes, we simply outgrow the people or relationships in our lives, plain and simple.
People that do not support your way of thinking can deplete you of everything that is good in your life and in your thoughts.
It may not have started out that way, but for some of us, it ends up that way. If there is someone in your life dragging you down, it might be time to take a closer look at the situation to see if the dynamic can be changed.
Sometimes we just outgrow one another. It could also be that some relationships were only meant to last for a certain reason or a certain season in your life. If you find yourself in a situation or relationship you have outgrown, it might be time to take back your power.
Taking Back Your Power
Sometimes our lives spin out of control because of extenuating circumstances; other times, we may have simply given up hope.
It’s never too late to take back your power and regain that precious control over your life.
In the end, you must be able to admit that your choices have brought you to the place you are today; it’s really that simple.
Relationships are meant to comfort us and offer us a reprieve from the storm.
If yours is no longer doing that, it might be time to stand up and take your place in the sun. Life is meant to be lived with joy, not merely tolerated.
All of us make good choices and bad choices at one time or another, and none of us are perfect by any means.
Even though you may think you have made some seemingly questionable choices, it doesn’t really matter for it does no good to sit around and ponder them, if you can't change them.
Your choices are in the past. All you can do as human beings is to change the decisions you make from this point forward. In other words, you can take back control of your life and of your happiness.
If your life is not making you happy, it could be time for a change because no one else can make you happy. So many of us spend so much time walking around on eggshells trying to make other people happy and proud of us, that we lose sight of the most important person in our lives, namely ourselves.
You cannot be a good mother, a great father or a wonderful best friend if you are not happy on your own.
Even though it may be painful examining the broken relationships in your life, with pain comes power and with power comes happiness. It is your right to be happy, for you have no business being unhappy. Life is simply too short for that. If you are merely going through the motions and tolerating your life, it’s time to take a stand. It’s time to be happy, once and for all.
People Pleasing
If you are a people pleaser you might be afraid to speak up. You might even feel that your needs are simply not important. You may be so used to putting others needs first, that you don't even see that you are a people pleaser.
Being a people pleaser can leave you in a constant state of stress and overwhelming anxiety. You want to speak up, but you can't find the strength.
Anxiety and stress can leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed. You may eat for comfort or use other things like drugs or alcohol. The process of change is very uncomfortable. It takes you by surprise just when you least expect it. In some ways, you probably know it is coming, but you pretend as if it were not.
If you are a people pleaser, you are not mentally healthy. You may even be emotionally starved.
Has being a people pleaser robbed you of your ability to be happy in the moment?
Are you so worried about how people will react, that you are afraid to speak up? Are you overly concerned about what other people think of you? Do you make decisions based on what you believe other people want?
If you are constantly seeking approval or validation from others and spending all of your time trying not to upset others, then you might be a people pleaser.
Being a people pleaser, whether you realize it or not, can steal your life away. If you don't often share or express what you truly want, need or feel, because you are afraid of conflict or confrontation, you may be a people pleaser.
People pleasing does not mean it's bad to be charitable and bad to serve others, it just means that some of us put others needs ahead of our own so much so that our own needs are not validated.
If you are a people pleaser, you are certainly not alone because it is likely that this affliction affects millions. If you have this tendency, you might feel like life has cheated you. You may even feel resentful and angry deep down inside.
While it's certainly a good thing to want to take care of people, it's not a good thing when you forget to take care of yourself.
Being a people pleaser can steal your joy, your heart, and even your relationships.
Are You a People Pleaser?
Would you classify yourself as a people pleaser?
Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., who wrote the book "The Disease to Please - Curing the People Pleasing Syndrome" has a wonderful quiz that can help you define whether or not you are a people pleaser. While Braiker passed away un-expectantly in 2004, her work lives on.
"Do You Have the Disease to Please Quiz"- Courtesy of Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.
Simply answer true or false to each question and then count up how many of each you have, ("The Disease To Please: Curing The People-Pleasing Syndrome ", n. d.).
It's extremely important for me to be liked by nearly everyone in my life.
I believe that nothing good can come from conflict.
My needs should always take a back seat to the needs of the people I love.
I expect myself to rise above conflict and confrontation.
I often do too much for other people or even let myself be used so I won't be rejected for other reasons.
I have always needed the approval of other people.
It's much easier for me to acknowledge negative feelings about myself than to express negative feelings towards others.
I believe that if I make other people need me because of all the things I do for them I won't be left alone.
I am hooked on doing things for others and pleasing them.
I go to great lengths to avoid conflict or confrontation with my family, friends or co-workers.
I am likely to do all the things I can to make others happy before I do anything just for myself.
I almost never stand up to others in order to protect myself because I am too afraid of getting an angry response or provoking a confrontation.
If I stopped putting others' needs ahead of my own, I would become a selfish person and people would no longer like me.
Having to face a confrontation or conflict with anybody makes me feel so anxious that I almost get physically sick.
It is very difficult for me to express criticism even if it is constructive because I don't want to make anyone angry with me.
I must always please others even at the expense of my own feelings.
I have to give of myself all the time in order to be worthy of love.
I believe that nice people get the approval, affection and friendship of others.
I must never let other people down by failing to do everything they expect of me even when I know that the demands are excessive or unreasonable.
Sometimes I feel like I am trying to "buy" the love and friendship of others by doing so many nice things to please them.
It makes me very anxious and uncomfortable to say or do anything that might make another person angry with me.
I rarely delegate tasks to others.
I feel guilt when I say "no" to requests or needs of others.
I would think that I am a bad person if I didn't give of myself all the time to those around me.
How did you do? Count up the total number of TRUE responses that you have to see your overall score
If your overall score was between 16 and 24 your people pleasing tendencies are more than likely deeply ingrained. This is probably taking a heavy toll on your emotional and physical health as well as your relationships with others.
If your overall score was between 10 and 15 you have a moderately high tendency towards people pleasing. A score at this level still requires immediate care.
If your overall score is between 5 and 9, you have a moderate level of people pleasing. While you still have areas to work on, you have already gathered some strength to handle yourself.
If your score is 4 or less, you have only slight tendencies towards people pleasing and you may not have any at all! Congratulations.
According to Dr. Braiker, there is also a way to figure out exactly what kind of people pleaser you are. Basically, there are three types:
Cognitive People Pleaser
Behavioural People Pleaser
Emotionally Avoidant People Pleaser
To figure out which one you are, do the following:
Add up the total number of true responses to questions 1, 3, 5, 8, 13, 17, 18 and 24. A high score on these questions means you are more than likely a Cognitive People Pleaser or one controlled by their thoughts.
Add up the total number of true responses to questions 6, 9, 11, 16, 19, 20, 22 and 23. A high score on these questions means you are more than likely a Behavioural People Pleaser or one controlled by habits or behaviours.
Add up the total number of true responses to questions 2, 4, 7, 10, 12, 14, 15 and 21. A high score on these questions means you are more than likely an Emotionally Avoidant People Pleaser or one that is controlled by feelings or emotions.
Hopefully, this quiz gave you a much better idea as to where you fall on the People Pleasing scale. No matter where you are, take heart, because there is a way out!
Setting Emotional Boundaries
You can minimise your people-pleasing tendency by setting some emotional boundaries. These are things that you feel strongly about and values that you will not allow anyone to trespass. These can apply to intimate personal relationships or friendships and/or family relationships.
Boundaries are designed to protect and honour important parts of your life. They are created to clarify acceptable versus unacceptable behaviours. You might create boundaries for your time, your emotions, your energy or even your body.
If you are in a controlling relationship, and you feel uncomfortable with intimacy, you have every right to set a boundary and tell someone you need a break from intimacy.
If you are a people pleaser in an unhealthy relationship, you may want to think long and hard on how intimacy has affected your life. It's OK to take a break from sex, and it's even healthy in some cases. No one has the right to demand intimacy and no one has the right to cross your personal boundaries if you are uncomfortable. This might be one of the hardest things you have to do as a people pleaser, but it's extremely important.
Try creating a list of at least 5 things that need boundaries set in your life or areas that need strengthening. List the boundary that is being crossed and the action you plan to take. Sometimes you have to start with those small things in order to gain confidence. Setting a boundary can be as simple as saying no if someone demands your attention, to telling someone you need a break from sex.
The Doormat Syndrome
Do you feel like a doormat in relationships? Do you avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs? Are you always trying to keep the peace? Do you feel like you are always in relationships "alone"?
If you feel this way, you may suffer from "the doormat syndrome."
Doormats always take on too much. If you are a doormat you may hang out with people who don't appreciate you.
You may also equate love with doing things for others. You probably have a huge list of things you should be or should do. You may strive for perfection to the point that you are unrealistic.
You probably like appearing strong and you may spend a lot of time denying your feelings.
As a doormat, you may take on other's pain to a fault. You may also try to tell other people what to do and how to do it. You may eventually take over and handle the entire problem. Doing things for other people probably makes you feel important and more worthy.
If you are a doormat, you probably take pride in how strong you are and how much you can take. This kind of attitude can be very dangerous because you it probably means you take on way too much.
Doormats often blame themselves when things go wrong, in an attempt to redirect outside criticism. Basically, if you are a doormat, you will try to be all things to all people.
This tendency can leave you feeling unappreciated, unacknowledged, or even bitter and angry. You may end up viewing yourself as a victim or a martyr, in the end, which certainly isn't good.
The Stockholm Syndrome - Why Negativity is So Powerful
The Stockholm Syndrome is another interesting phenomena. The "Stockholm Syndrome" occurs when someone displays an emotional bonding with his or her captor. It has been recognized as a valid syndrome for those in abusive relationships, or even for those in hostage situations or cults.
This syndrome is a very serious psychological condition, and it can play a big role in the life a people pleaser.
You don't have to be in an abusive relationship to experience this syndrome. As a people pleaser though, you may feel threatened by a controlling person while at the same time feel strangely drawn to them.
For example, you may feel positive feelings towards your partner, even though they seemingly control you. You may also feel annoyed when family members or friends try and help you. As a people pleaser you may even go as far as supporting the controller or helping them in any way you can.
This sort of psychological attachment can be very dangerous because it can lead to psychological warfare.
Psychological Warfare
Do you say yes, when you really mean no? Do you allow people to trample all over your personal boundaries, but feel helpless to stop it? Do you find it hard to assert yourself? This kind of denial can cause real problems in a relationship because it leaves you feeling angry and resentful of your partner.
If you continue to deny your feelings and you don't express yourself, you are in a sense denying your true authentic self. Just like a sore that festers and isn't allowed to heal, your anger will bubble just underneath the surface until it explodes.
This way of acting and behaving can create a whole lot of stress, and it may even cause you to feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Building Happy Relationships
So now that you know where you stand and whether or not you are a people pleaser or a doormat or anything else, how do you move into the energy of a happy and fulfilling relationship you might ask?
The best place to start is by being happy with you are as a person and what you have to bring to the table. It's also important to remember that no one can make you happy if you aren't already happy with yourself.
Tips on Finding and Building a Happy Relationship
Learn how to be happy with yourself.
Get out there and meet people, any way you can.
Pursue your passions, and spend time with like-minded people.
Don't look for love, but find that love within yourself.
Be the person you are trying to attract.
Look for someone who complements you.
Be approachable and smile.
Don't look for love - let it find you.
Be happy in the moment.
Have a love affair with yourself, and put your best foot forward.
Try meditating or deep breathing to alleviate stress and anxiety.
Make a date with yourself, once a week.
Adopt a pet and shower them with love.
Be kind and gracious to everyone you meet, no matter what.