The Relationship With Yourself
No one can give you something you don’t already feel within yourself, and you can’t look for love within other people. By realizing that you have all the power you need within, you can change the entire course of your life.
If you feel love has passed you by and or that love has disappointed you or has let you down in some way, all you really need to do is tap into this power within you. The truth is you have all you need inside you for healing, love, prosperity and loving and healthy relationships.
When you are looking for that deeper connection, either with yourself or with others, the concept of self-talk comes into play. Each of us is comprised of multiple parts or a personal group of inner sub-selves. These voices make up our own real inner family.
Psychologists call this parts therapy or parts work and each of these unique parts can give you some vital clues as to the issues going on in your life at any given moment.
People have been trying for centuries to explain their thoughts, dreams, beliefs and actions by looking at their inner nature.
Sigmund Freud, one of the most famous thinkers in the world of psychology, believed the personality was comprised of three elements, the Id, the Ego and the Superego.
Freud also talked about the idea of having three minds, the unconscious, the preconscious and the conscious. He spoke of how these three parts of the mind worked together causing us to sometimes act in ways that we cannot logically comprehend.
The point of all these different parts is that they all work together as one and they are interdependent as well. You may not always be consciously aware of this interdependency, but it may help describe why you do some of the things you do.
If you were to see a psychologist or counselor of some kind, you might find that parts work is extremely helpful in terms of harmonizing your inner family and it can help you make changes that are long lasting.
Self-Esteem versus Self-Confidence
Self-esteem and self-confidence are typically thought of as interchangeable. Even though they are similar they are actually very different concepts.
Self-esteem defined
1. More about how you feel about yourself overall.
2. Your self-esteem develops over time from your unique experiences in life.
3. Self-esteem develops from those situations that have shaped you into the person you are today.
Self-confidence defined
1. More about how you feel about your abilities.
2. This can vary from situation to situation.
3. For example, you could have a high self-esteem and low confidence when it comes to situations involving public speaking for example.
When you love yourself, your self-esteem grows which in turn makes you a more confident person. It also works the other way...you could have a high level of self-confidence in your job as a teacher for example but a low level of self-esteem when it comes to loving yourself unconditionally.
How much do you really love and accept yourself, just as you are?
It's so important to love yourself.... unconditionally.
Many things can damage your self-esteem over time, from years of unhealthy relationships to abuse or even poor role models growing up. If you continually heard the message growing up that "you weren't good enough.....or smart enough....or likable enough" you will start to believe it over time.
Self-confidence has to do with the way you present yourself to the world where self-esteem has more to do with your intrinsic feelings of self-respect and confidence in your own merit as an individual person.
The word self-esteem is derived from the Latin word which means to estimate, so in some ways, you might say self-esteem has to do with the way in which you estimate your own unique abilities.
Self-esteem means knowing and understanding your personal worth, but not boasting about it to everyone you meet. It has to do with the way you value yourself without being pretentious. Self-esteem means having a positive attitude and being confident in your own self-worth as a human being.
If you have high self-esteem it means you value yourself as an individual. If you have low self-esteem you will struggle and lack self-assurance and even self-respect.
It’s important to be proud of yourself and proud of who you are at the core of your being, and self-esteem helps you achieve that.
While self-confidence and self-esteem are certainly related, they are different conceptually.
Psychologists call this parts therapy or parts work and each of these unique parts can give you some vital clues as to the issues going on in your life at any given moment.
People have been trying for centuries to explain their thoughts, dreams, beliefs and actions by looking at their inner nature.
Sigmund Freud, one of the most famous thinkers in the world of psychology, believed the personality was comprised of three elements, the Id, the Ego and the Superego.
Freud also talked about the idea of having three minds, the unconscious, the preconscious and the conscious. He spoke of how these three parts of the mind worked together causing us to sometimes act in ways that we cannot logically comprehend.
The point of all these different parts is that they all work together as one and they are interdependent as well. You may not always be consciously aware of this interdependency, but it may help describe why you do some of the things you do.
If you were to see a psychologist or counselor of some kind, you might find that parts work is extremely helpful in terms of harmonizing your inner family and it can help you make changes that are long lasting.
Self-Esteem versus Self-Confidence
Self-esteem and self-confidence are typically thought of as interchangeable. Even though they are similar they are actually very different concepts.
Self-esteem defined
1. More about how you feel about yourself overall.
2. Your self-esteem develops over time from your unique experiences in life.
3. Self-esteem develops from those situations that have shaped you into the person you are today.
Self-confidence defined
1. More about how you feel about your abilities.
2. This can vary from situation to situation.
3. For example, you could have a high self-esteem and low confidence when it comes to situations involving public speaking for example.
When you love yourself, your self-esteem grows which in turn makes you a more confident person. It also works the other way...you could have a high level of self-confidence in your job as a teacher for example but a low level of self-esteem when it comes to loving yourself unconditionally.
How much do you really love and accept yourself, just as you are?
It's so important to love yourself.... unconditionally.
Many things can damage your self-esteem over time, from years of unhealthy relationships to abuse or even poor role models growing up. If you continually heard the message growing up that "you weren't good enough.....or smart enough....or likable enough" you will start to believe it over time.
Self-confidence has to do with the way you present yourself to the world where self-esteem has more to do with your intrinsic feelings of self-respect and confidence in your own merit as an individual person.
The word self-esteem is derived from the Latin word which means to estimate, so in some ways, you might say self-esteem has to do with the way in which you estimate your own unique abilities.
Self-esteem means knowing and understanding your personal worth, but not boasting about it to everyone you meet. It has to do with the way you value yourself without being pretentious. Self-esteem means having a positive attitude and being confident in your own self-worth as a human being.
If you have high self-esteem it means you value yourself as an individual. If you have low self-esteem you will struggle and lack self-assurance and even self-respect.
It’s important to be proud of yourself and proud of who you are at the core of your being, and self-esteem helps you achieve that.
While self-confidence and self-esteem are certainly related, they are different conceptually.
To be happy and well balanced as an individual, you need to have both self-esteem and self-confidence. In order to more fully understand how self-esteem affects you, it’s important to ask yourself a few questions.
Self-Esteem Questionnaire
1. How does your level of self-esteem affect or limit your self-confidence?
2. Is your level of self-esteem reflected in your self-confidence?
3. Why do you feel the way you feel?
4. Can you identify a point or time in your life that triggered either a low or a high self-esteem?
5. How full is your self-esteem bank account?
6. What would it take for you to increase your intrinsic value or your self-esteem?
Self-esteem is really more of a personal development issue when it comes right down to it. It is part of your personal belief system, which goes back to your childhood most likely.
Your level of self-esteem will not change until you decide it needs to be changed. When you make that decision that you are worth the effort, then you can begin to change how you feel about yourself as a person.
Self-esteem is internal; it is part of who you are as a human being. It reflects how you feel about yourself and even how much you like yourself as a person.
Self-Esteem Exercise
Close your eyes and take a deep breath and just center yourself. Start to take notice of what you tell yourself on a daily basis and how that reflects your level of self-esteem.
Take a moment to think about all those messages you repeat in your mind throughout the day when it comes to your self-worth. Are you building yourself up or tearing yourself down? Think about your inner critic and what it tells you. When you do something silly or mess up in some way, as we all do, do you say to yourself “I’m so stupid to have done that” or do you say “Well, that was silly, guess I shouldn’t do that again!” One reflects a negative opinion while the other reflects a positive opinion or judgment.
Your inner critic has a lot of control over how you see yourself and how you manage your life, so if you want to increase your self-esteem you need to change the messages your inner critic repeats throughout the day.
Now ask yourself if you truly like the way you are living? If you are not happy with yourself, you can make a conscious decision to change.
When you value yourself your sense of self-worth will increase and you will notice that your internal and external worlds will be more in alignment with who you really are and how you really feel about yourself. In turn, you will be a lot happier and more at peace with yourself.
You can choose to give yourself the gift of self-esteem. You can choose to start living how you truly want to be living. You can choose to value yourself and think highly of yourself.
If you can identify a time in your life when everything started to change, you can reframe that moment in time and change how you perceive it today.
When you give yourself the gift of high self-esteem, you can start living the life you want and achieving your life long goals and desires.
When you start to value who you are as a person, you begin to think differently. You make better decisions for your life when you feel that you are worth the effort. When evaluating your self-esteem, it is important to ask yourself what the message is that your inner critic relays to you throughout the day.
When you mess up or make mistakes, how do you react? Do you make light of your mistakes or do you criticize yourself? It is also important to try and identify the point in time when your self-esteem started to go downhill if you do suffer from low self-esteem.
If you can identify such an event, you can change the way you perceive the event going forward by reframing. You can decide to work on your self-esteem by changing those internal messages little by little.
Take some time to really think about your levels of self-esteem and where they came from. If you don’t value yourself as a person, try and ask yourself why that is. Try and identify a point in time when your self-esteem started to disintegrate and think of ways you could change your perception. Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes, you are only human!
Self-Confidence
Self-confidence plays out in pretty much everything you do. Everyone can use a boost of self-confidence. Self-confidence can help you overcome all obstacles to your success and happiness.
What does it take to have unwavering self-confidence?
Self-confident people inspire that same confidence in others. Your level of self-confidence can show in many ways including your behavior, your body language, how you speak and even what you say. Those who are confident stand tall and proud with their head held high and they rarely feel ashamed or embarrassed.
Self-confidence is:
1. A feeling or belief in your own powers and abilities.
2. Self-assuredness in your personal judgment, ability and power.
3. Presenting yourself with confidence and grace.
4. Relying on and believing in yourself.
5. Having a deeply ingrained trust in yourself and your abilities.
6. Having a high level of self-respect.
There are two additional things that contribute to self-confidence: self-efficacy and self-esteem.
Self-efficacy is basically your belief in our own ability to succeed. Your sense of self-efficacy can play a major role in how you approach goals, tasks, and challenges. You gain a sense of self-efficacy when you see yourself achieving goals and mastering skills with confidence and pride.
Self-efficacy also overlaps with the idea of self-esteem, which has to do more with a feeling of self-respect and confidence in your own merit as an individual person.
There are many ways to improve your self-confidence including things like:
1. Smiling
2. Making Eye-Contact
3. Changing your inner voice
4. Forgetting other people’s standards
5. Making the most of your appearance
6. Meditating or repeating affirmations daily
7. Reframing
8. Taking action and speaking up
9. Faking it until you make it
The simple act of smiling can actually help you feel more confident because it is almost impossible to feel bad when you’re smiling.
Making eye contact and smiling shows people that you are confident and it is a great trick to use if you get nervous. Changing your inner voice is all about monitoring that critical self-talk. If you find yourself being overly critical, you’re not alone. One trick you can try is to catch yourself and say something like “cancel, cancel” if you do slip up and find yourself being self-critical.
It’s also important to judge yourself based off of your own standards, not anyone else’s. Remember you are completely unique so it does not do any good to compare yourself to someone else.
It goes without saying that you should make the most of your appearance because you will feel much more confident if you always put your best foot forward. Meditating can also go a long way to helping you reclaim your self-confidence and the same goes for repeating affirmations. It may sound strange to keep post-it notes tacked up everywhere with sayings like “I am confident” or “I am amazing” but you might be surprised at well it actually works!
Reframing is all about changing your perceptions, or changing the way you view things. The next time you find yourself in a situation where you are lacking confidence, turn the situation around and view it from another angle. Sometimes when you feel a lack of confidence you can change the dynamic by reassuring yourself that it is natural and normal to feel self-conscious.
You can never go wrong by taking action and speaking up, even if you have to fake it until you make it. Just the act of speaking out and speaking up helps you put yourself out there and when you do that, people are more likely to respond and interact with you in a positive manner. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again because practice makes perfect.
Another way to gain unwavering self-confidence is to change your perceptions about yourself. Working to identify your inner critic or anything that might be getting in the way of you feeling self-confident is a great way to boost your self-confidence.
Once you identify those things that are working against you, they can then be “reframed” or repositioned so that they begin to work with you. Sometimes that voice in your mind or that inner critic works against you, so learning how to change your perception works well.
Working with different modalities such as softening your inner critic’s voice or turning it into a comical voice is a great technique that can help you change how you feel about yourself. Let’s look at this technique now.
Reframing Exercise
1. Think of a time when you last criticized yourself - identify anything that may be getting in the way of your self-confidence.
2. Make a brief list of all of those things that are working against you, i.e.
a. I am shy around people.
b. I feel self-conscious about my looks.
c. I am uncomfortable speaking up.
d. I get nervous around people.
3. Now comes the fun part! As you identify these things, speak them aloud and change your inner voice to something funny, like a mouse voice or a very deep voice, or something that is out of character for you. Believe it or not, this changes how you perceive yourself. It’s hard to take yourself seriously when you are laughing
4. Keep “reframing” until you reach a point where you are ready to take yourself seriously.
Behavioral Modeling
Another thing you can do is to make a list of all those times in your life when you felt confident and then follow thru with an approach like this:
1. Remember the feeling by recalling a certain time in the past in which you felt extremely confident. See it and feel it and be there.
2. Model your own thinking. As you discover these familiar feelings, you can then consciously begin to apply them to the present: talk to yourself the way you used to, focus mentally on the things you used to and you’ll begin to feel the way you used to feel, confident and amazing!
3. As you act as if you were confident, since your mind already has a memory of this behavior, it will begin to elicit that same state of confidence associated with the behavior. Thus, you become confident by acting confidently.
If confidence does not come naturally to you, you are certainly not alone. Sometimes just the process of seeing yourself acting with unwavering self-confidence is enough to help you achieve it.
Your mind gets used to a certain way of thinking and acting and behaving, so all you really need to do to change the dynamic by programming in a new way of thinking. Repeat something often enough, and your mind begins to get more comfortable with the new way of thinking.
Another thing you can do is to change your thought process by identifying those negative beliefs that are holding you back. Creating affirmations, based upon those negative beliefs is a wonderful way to erase the old images from your mind permanently, allowing you to step into your own personal power.
Co-Dependency
Codependency used to be a term used to describe an unhealthy pattern in a relationship where one partner enabled another. It was typically used to describe a set of responses and behaviors people might develop while living with an alcoholic for an example.
The term "codependency” has become quite the buzzword lately especially after Alcoholics Anonymous established their twelve-step recovery program in the 30's.
In today's world, the term codependency is used more in a general sense to describe a relationship pattern in which one partner lives within the turmoil of another partner's addiction, abuse, or even chronic mental or physical illness.
In looking at relationship psychology, the issue of codependency is an important one.
There are actually multiple “codependent” behaviors that can develop even within relationships that have no family members who display addictive or alcoholic behaviors.
Over the years, the definition of codependency has expanded and now includes any dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving that may have developed as a result of dysfunctional family dynamics.
What is codependency?
A set of compulsive behaviors learned by family members so that they may adapt in a setting where there is an addiction, neglect, physical or emotional abuse, chronic illness or a dysfunction.
Ross Roseburg, who wrote the book "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us," offers his own unique view of codependency:
"Codependents are habitually attracted to people who neither seem interested nor motivated to participate in mutual or reciprocal relationships. Hence, the partners or codependents are often egotistical, self-centered and/or selfish. Typically, codependents feel unfulfilled, disrespected and undervalued by their relationship partner. As much as they resent and complain about the inequity in their relationships, codependents feel powerless to change them," (Rosenberg, 2013).
If you feel that your relationship is one where codependency is a problem, you may want to delve further into why you continue to do what you do.
If you suffer from codependency, you will have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, which can be a hindrance when it comes to a healthy relationship.
Those who are codependent may feel:
1. Powerless over others.
2. Have low self-esteem.
3. Have an obsessive need to "take care of others".
4. Have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.
5. Find themselves more open to manipulation and mental or physical abuse.
6. Have difficulty expressing their needs, wants and desires.
Those who are codependent may also suffer from extreme anxiety as well. Codependence can even lead to physical symptoms like insomnia, heart palpitations and extreme fatigue just to name a few. There may be many reasons why someone may develop codependent tendencies from childhood trauma to emotional and physical abuse.
More often than not, codependency has roots in the family dynamic. Those who grew up in homes where abuse, addiction, abandonment, or neglect or shame were prevalent may find they develop codependent tendencies later on in life.
If you grew up with a specific need that wasn't being met, you tend to develop certain coping skills in order to get what you crave.
Codependents may even crave attention or approval from others and all of this results in unhealthy relationship patterns.
Signs of codependency:
1. Repressing your emotions.
2. Denying your true feelings.
3. Putting your own needs aside for others on a continual basis.
4. Trying to control other people’s behavior.
5. Using sexual enticement to gain approval.
In looking at your own relationship patterns, you might identify with some of these codependent behaviors finding it difficult to break free.
The most important thing to keep in mind if you feel like you display some codependent behaviors, is that you are not a failure because any unhealthy pattern can be changed by acknowledging and accepting the truth.
Since codependency is often based on behaviors - it can be useful to get to the root cause of those behaviors. More often than not, hurtful and destructive behaviors have roots in the past. Using the NLP timeline, you can travel to the past in your mind and discover the root cause of your codependent behavior.
Reframing Codependent Behaviors
One of the most important steps you can take to breakfree from codependent behaviors is to trust and express own your feelings. This process is one where you make the changes
.
The truth is that everything in your life is there by invitation because you invited it in.
If you approach this process by trying to blame other people, you will not be able to heal. While other people are certainly a part of this - nothing can be gained by blame.
When you can learn to forgive yourself, you can then begin to forgive others. There is something extremely powerful with this idea of taking 100% responsibility for everything in your life, including codependent behaviors.
In a destructive relationship, there are always two people. You can choose to move forward, with or without your partner. If you have to, you can physically remove yourself from the equation and move out or move in with a friend or family member. No one deserves to be abused, physically or emotionally. Mental abuse can be just as hurtful, if not more,as physical abuse. If you are being abused, either mentally or physically, seek help.
Counseling is another option and it if you feel like you need psychological counseling by all means go do that. The steps in this book can be done regardless of whether you choose to seek counseling or not. If you want to you can share this article or the ideas in the article with your therapist.
Building on this idea of taking ownership, the next step in the process is learning how to understand other people's perspectives. In a codependent relationship, there are always two different viewpoints, your viewpoint, and your partner's viewpoint.
Screen of the Mind
The screen of the mind technique can also help you by helping you create a mental picture of the situation helping you ease your anxiety and overcome your fear of having a difficult conversation.
Those who are codependent often find it difficult to express their feelings and, even more, difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries.
Combined with another technique called systematic desensitization - the screen of the mind is a wonderful way to work through fears and anxiety.
The premise behind systematic desensitization is similar to Pavlov’s Theory and classic conditioning. In the famous study, which used dogs, Pavlov would ring a bell when feeding the dogs.
We know that all dogs salivate when eating….and when the experiment first began the dogs did not initially salivate at the sound of the bell. However with repeated attempts, the dogs began to salivate at the mere sound of the ringing bell alone.
This is what is called a conditioned response.
Being codependent also causes a conditioned response, a response of fear and anxiety. Many codependents experience intense anxiety when they think abut having that difficult conversation. As a result, most codependents hide their true feelings, and never actually have that much-needed conversation.
Anxiety is a self-perpetuating experience and it is generally brought on by stress when the problem or issue first originated.
Stress makes you more vulnerable to experiencing the anxiety in the first place. Once the anxiety is experienced the first time, the fear is not necessarily over the presenting situation, but it’s really more about re-experiencing the anxiety over and over again.
Most of the time we make more out of a situation than the situation actually merits. In other words, our fears get the best of us. The codependent person may actually spend more time agonizing and thinking about the stress of avoiding confrontation than it would actually take to just have one honest conversation.
In systematic desensitization, you will imagine in your mind the various aspects of the situation with which you have anxiety about. You will typically imagine it for approximately 10 – 20 seconds or whatever length of time is tolerable for you. At that point, you will then stop the scene, and rate your level of anxiety on a scale from 1 to 10, with ten being the absolute worst feeling. Once you rate your level of anxiety, you can then relax once again for about 30 seconds, and then repeat the process until your anxiety begins to lessen.
In order to do this properly, you will need to make a list or an anxiety hierarchy. This list will consist of at least 5 -10 situations regarding the anxiety that you can think of. The list is usually prioritized in order between the least anxiety provoking to the most anxiety provoking.
For someone who is codependent the list might look something like this:
1. Thinking about a confrontation with someone.
2. Thinking about expressing your feelings.
3. Guarding secrets.
4. Feeling guilty saying no.
5. Being afraid to set someone off in regards to temper.
6. Facing someone and speaking your mind.
For example, with regard to codependency, you may have anxiety around the fear of confrontation. Working through this list, in each session, you can slowly work your way up to the most intense fear - the fear of actually facing someone and speaking your mind.
As part of this process, you will also be thinking about things that you consider relaxing. Some common suggestions of relaxing scenes could be: socializing with friends, getting a spa treatment, taking a vacation, being in the mountains, being at the beach, making love, reading, exercising, watering the garden, or even taking a nap.
Screen of the Mind Technique
Begin by focusing in on your fear - most likely the fear of confrontation. Ask yourself how this fear makes you feel. Just think about your fears for a moment and allow yourself to get in touch with these feelings.
Now forma large screen in your mind’s eye. This screen can be any kind of screen that you can best imagine that would run movies or project images.
Imagine this screen out in front of you with a black frame around it.
Now see yourself in a situation when you have experienced anxiety or fear around the idea of expressing your truth or confronting someone. Imagine the situation that affects you the most, whether it’s thinking about the confrontation, thinking about expressing your feelings or simply being afraid to speak up.
Whatever scene is appropriate for you now… just really feel every aspect of this… see yourself in that way that you react when you get anxious. Notice any physical sensations that are there, the way your breathing might be… the way your heart might feel, the way the palms of your hands may feel sweaty, or even your teeth or jaws clenched together. Just think about all the ways that this has been affecting you.
Think about where you’ve contemplated this fear, but just couldn’t face it. Just bring up any of those old negative scenes, feelings, and sensations and experience them as if they were happening right now.
Now just take notice of the way you are feeling right now and rank your level of phobia or anxiety on a level from one to ten - ten being the absolute worst feeling possible to one being completely unbothered by the scene at all. Now visualize yourself as real as you possibly can in this scene and take notice of the level from one to ten of your anxiety.
Spend a few minutes experiencing that fear.
Now completely blank out that scene and get rid of the black frame and focus on an enjoyable scene. This could be a day at the park or a day at the beach, or just listening to the relaxing sounds of the ocean.
Once again, spend a few moments immersing yourself in these relaxing and joyous feelings. Now you are going to repeat this exact same process a few times… only each time you go back through the process, you will imagine yourself handling the situation a little better.
As your work your way through the list you created above, you can work on each item until your anxiety level is at about a 2 or a 3.
Just progress through each scene until you can feel in your mind exactly the way you want to feel before progressing to the next situation. You may work with this program once through for each scene until you have mastered your level of anxiety at each particular scene. You will notice, just by the process of changing scenes from the negative scene to the positive scene each time that you will reduce the associations and lose a little more anxiety with each cycle.
Keep switching scenes from the things that bring you anxiety to the things that make you feel peaceful and relaxed. Each time you experience a scene, you will notice your anxiety lessening.
