The Development of Relationships
In order to be successful in life, you must be willing to engage in relationships because humans were born to be with other people. How you think and feel about yourself in terms of your self-respect, your self-esteem and everything else about you is often determined by the reactions of other people in your childhood.
If you go through life with wonderful soul building relationships, but you lack wealth and abundance, you are still a successful and fulfilled person. However, if you go through life with great wealth but shut everyone out and shun relationships, true happiness and success will most likely elude you.
Whatever you may need in life – love is the answer. Although that may seem strange, it is an amazing concept. You never need to look outside of yourself for love, affection, and appreciation. By releasing the power of love from within your own thoughts and feelings, you will begin to attract to you whatever situations, people, and conditions are necessary for your highest good. Using the power of love, you essentially walk in a circle of charm, and you become divinely irresistible.
Love and belonging are basic human needs because humans are social creatures. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which is a pyramid showing the different levels of needs from basic survival to self-actualization, includes love as one of the five basic needs along with physiological needs like air, food and water, a feeling of safety and security, and self-esteem.
Many of us don’t consider love and belonging as a basic human need, but it is a natural instinct.
According to Simply Psychology (2014), Maslow stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs and when one need is fulfilled then people seek to fulfill the next one, and so on.
Before you continue reading, take a moment to stop and ask yourself what level of Maslow's pyramid you are currently on?
These levels of needs have been revised over time and now include a seven=stage model and an eight-stage model.
1. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, sleep, warmth and shelter.
2. Safety needs - protection from the elements, order, law, stability, and security, etc.
3. Love and belongingness needs - intimacy, friendship, affection, love from friends and family and even work groups.
4. Esteem needs - achievement, mastery, independence, dominance, self-esteem, prestige, etc.
5. Cognitive needs - knowledge and meaning, etc.
6. Aesthetic needs - search for beauty, appreciation, balance, etc.
7. Self-actualization needs - self-fulfillment, realizing personal potential, seeking personal growth, etc.
8. Transcendence needs - helping others achieve self-actualization.
No matter which of these models you agree with, one thing is certain, love and the need to belong are almost just as important as biological and safety needs, because love and relationships are what make life worth living.
When we have positive relationships with others, this allows us to develop empathy and affection for all human beings bringing us a greater amount of love, friendship, and warmth that helps us relate more to others.
When we have a strong purpose in life and have goals, intentions, and a sense of direction, all of this makes our life more meaningful. When we are committed to our personal growth, we are excited to accept new challenges and tasks at different periods of our life.
As human beings, we are multi-dimensional beings, and all of these unique parts of ourselves play a powerful role in our success or failure in life. The more we can strive to peel back the layers of our soul, the more we will begin to understand the complexity each of us is comprised of.
How do relationships develop?
Relationships are a lot like plants in many ways, if we feed them and love them and care for them they thrive; if we neglect them or ignore them they grow wild or lose their will to survive.
Relationships can be thrilling and exhilarating or they can be draining.
Some relationships build us up while others tear us down. Some relationships take no effort whatsoever while others are nothing but hard work. We were not meant to live our lives completely alone because we are not islands - but relationships can definitely test our patience. You will experience many different types of relationships during the course of your life and they all require time and commitment.
Relationships are what make the world go around, but they take effort and patience and determination. Sometimes we determine that our relationships are just too much work and we choose to abandon them or betray them.
In the ideal world, relationships would be effortless and they would build us up each and every day. In the real world, relationships can be very challenging to say the least. Relationships can test our patience and test our friendships.
There are many different types of relationships including parental relationships, work relationships, love relationships, and even family relationships. There are even many different levels of relationships. Some people come into our lives for a reason or a season and then quietly fade away. Others stay in the background and surface only when we need them.
Relationships can be the bane of our existence or the light of our lives but in the end, relationships do matter.
Before you continue reading, take a moment to reflect on your relationships. What relationships build you up? What relationships sap your energy?
There are those in our lives whose energy we crave; the kinds of people whom we can’t wait to be around again and there are those whose energy drains us. What determines which one someone is? Why are some relationships so difficult while others are easy?
What is it that turns a relationship sour? People change and learn and grow at different speeds, so relationships can be affected by this. We all grow at different paces and sometimes we outgrow our relationships. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime while others are often over before they even get started.
The best kind of relationships take no effort whatsoever, they just are. It’s nice to be around someone who just lets you be you, no matter what. These kinds of relationships can be difficult to find, but once you find one, they are worth their weight in gold. These kinds of relationships stay with us for a lifetime and their memories never fade or weaken no matter how far apart one may be.
Relationships take hard work and time and commitment and often the most difficult ones to maintain are the relationships within our own family. Feelings get hurt and people hold grudges and many of us find it difficult to let go and forgive and forget. Even though relationships can be challenging, they sustain us and help us get through difficult times. They are there for us to lean on whenever we need them.
The best kinds of relationships complement one another much like the yin and the yang. Some people are just meant for each other and you can see it the moment you connect with them. Some people have that magical connection while others fight us at every turn.
Without the pain of a difficult relationship, you may not appreciate an effortless one quite so much. Relationships make our lives better in every single way and we cannot ever lose hope as long as someone is there to offer a kind shoulder or a warm embrace.
Relationships make our lives interesting and they often make life worth living. Relationships offer us many things including companionship, friendship, and even love. Don’t ever forget what it is that you have to offer. Your life has meaning and you matter because you are someone’s friend, lover, companion, and child.
Relationships are beautiful, meaningful and purposeful and we will always be part of one in some way shape or form whether it’s as a mother, a lover or a friend. Relationships are worth the effort so don’t ever forget to feed and care for yours the best you know how.
The Stages of Relationships
One thing we do know is that relationships tend to evolve over a lifetime. As people mature and develop as individuals, relationships ebb and flow. What this might mean is that a mature, healthy relationship will have times of struggle, because relationships are not stagnate but living, growing things.
It's important to find that balance, between maintaining your individuality and being part of a couple. That is often easier said than done, however. Sometimes conflicts can come about during stages of transition, or when one partner starts to reassert their independence in some way.
Those going through a rocky patch may find it helpful to see the different stages that a relationship often goes through because it's a good reminder that stress and strain are actually part of a normal, healthy relationship.
One study referenced found that nearly two-thirds of people or 62% who were unhappily married but stayed together reported that their relationships were happy five years later (One plus one strengthening relationships, and 2013).
Stage 1: Romance – Becoming a Couple
Most relationships start out when two people who are attracted to each other romantically. There are expectations, of course, such as people from other cultures where a marriage might be arranged. Just because a marriage is arranged doesn't mean it is doomed for failure, because sometimes romance comes a little later.
At this stage, most couples are building a sense of togetherness, so any difficulties or differences are often overlooked, and they might even be denied.
In this stage, everything seems perfect and it may even feel unreal and in some ways it is! Relationships often go through an intense phase of physical attraction and togetherness, and this phase is critically important, in terms of its ability to help the couple bond.
Stage 2: Reality – Differences Start to Appear
This next stage is often when the problems start to appear. Once the "honeymoon" is over couples often start to realize that they are actually two distinct people, and not one.
This is often the stage in which reality hits and when each partner begins to reconnect with the outside world. This phase can be a quite challenging, but it doesn't have to be because it's a normal part of the process.
With each partner having to adjust to new responsibilities, and to the problems and complexities of living together, this phase can be hard. As people learn how to compromise and manage conflicts, they begin to work through differences.
It can be upsetting when a relationship starts to change, but again, this is part of a normal relationship.
Partners who successfully manage this phase well have a much better chance of developing the skills they need during the challenges of the coming years.
Stage 3: Power struggles – Practicing Independence
In this stage, each partner’s need for independence continues to grow as each partner goes his or her own way. It is common for partners in this stage to blame or criticize others and internal conflicts often arise. Issues can arise such as:
Fights about money
Conflicts around bringing up children
Household responsibilities
This is a very difficult stage for couples and often the time when relationships start to break down. Having said that, many couples manage to work through this stage by coming to terms with their differences and finding ways of not letting their disagreements damage their closeness, even though they struggle to keep a sense of connection.
Stage 4: Finding oneself – Independence
This next stage is another difficult stage for couples. This is the stage where one or both partners are trying to find themselves in some way, shape or form. This is also the stage where someone is trying to discover who they really are and what their purpose in life is.
Some couples find this stage extremely stressful because they feel less connected and may sense that they are drifting apart. There is a way to seek independence but still work together as a couple and many couples manage to successfully navigate through this stage.
Stage 5: Reconciliation – Working Through
Couples who have weathered through each stage up to this point can come back together successfully. It is often at this stage where couples discover that they can be independent but still work together in support of a common goal.
This involves gaining a deeper understanding of each other and learning how to be more acceptable of each other's differences. In this stage, couples develop tolerance and understanding and they see their differences as strengths instead of as weaknesses.
Stage 6: Mutual respect and love – interdependence
Mutual respect and love are the final stage and one that everyone aspires to get to. In this stage, each partner is fully accepted by the other, and they have also reached a comfortable balance when it comes to being together but still finding ways to express their individuality.
In this stage, both partners are free to explore new ways of fulfilling themselves as opposed to always working on the relationship and wasting precious energy.
Maintaining Relationships
The concept of “belonging” is a little misleading because you can never really belong to anyone. Humans are autonomous beings and even though you may not physically belong to another person, you may belong in a psychological sense per se, in terms of feeling loved or accepted.
Without the feeling and fulfillment of love or feeling loved, you wouldn’t have much motivation or drive to evolve or grow towards self-actualization. Just like an animal loves and cares for their young, humans also have that natural instinct to provide love and affection to their children.
Love is integral to living a healthy life. You can feel romantic love with your life partner, love for your children or family members, and even love for pets or other kinds of objects. Love is a universal concept that bonds us together as a species, and without it, life would be pretty meaningless.
The most challenging kind of love is probably romantic love because you have to be compatible with another human being to make a relationship that is sustainable.
One of the hardest things we often have to do in life is learning how to maintain those relationships we have. Relationships require nurturing to survive, because if a relationship is not nurtured or cared for, it will wither and die.
Communication is the key!
Communication is key when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship. Taking that time to check in with one another on a regular basis can help you connectwith your partner in a more loving manner.
It's also important to talk about more than just the kids or how your day went, so making an effort to discuss more personal subjects can go a long way to helping you reconnect in a more intimate manner.
It's also important to express yourself openly and honestly, even if you have a difficult topic to discuss.
Keeping problems to yourself can really breed resentment and cause more issues in the long run. When you are discussing difficult topics, it pays to be kind. One great way to broach a difficult subject is to start the conversation out with a hug. It may not be easy if you feel angry, but your partner will respect you more if you approach difficult issues in a loving manner.
Researchers have found that one's communication style is often more important than commitment levels, personality traits or stressful life events when it comes to predicting whether happily married couples will go on to divorce (APA, 2015).
Negative communication and anger and contempt are linked to an increased likelihood of splitting up as well.
Disagreements are of course part of any partnership, but you can find ways to work through disagreements without breaking up.
Keep it Fun!
It's also important to keep things interesting and fun, long the way. Between jobs, outside commitments and kids, that can be challenging, though.
Between kids, careers and outside commitments, it can be difficult to stay connected to your partner. To keep things interesting, some couples find that planning a regular date night is key. However, even dates can get old if you're always doing the same thing time after time. The experts recommend breaking out of your comfortable routine and trying out new things whenever you can — whether that's going dancing, taking a class together or just taking a walk.
Make time for intimacy!
Intimacy is obviously a critical component of any romantic relationship so don't forget to make time for love and affection.
Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
1. Show some affection!
2. Tell your partner you love them.
3. Show some appreciation.
4. Share yourself.
5. Be an active listener.
6. Leave a note or a small token of your affection.
7. Make time alone a priority.
8. Don't take anything or anyone for granted
9. Do unto others as you would have done to you.
10.Appreciate your partner's "quirks".
11. Make a little "love".
12.Say thank you often.
13.Try and overlook the small things and love each other "unconditionally".
14.End or start fights with a hug.
15.Give each other some breathing room.
16.Don't take people for granted.
17.Be willing to give positive or constructive feedback or criticism.
18.Look sexy for each other by putting in that extra effort.
19.Commit to a date night on a regular basis.
20.Look for ways to compliment your partner or be spontaneous with your affection.
21.Learn to forgive - don't hold onto grudges.
22.Always respect your partner.
23.Be trustworthy and honest.
24.Learn your partner's "love language".
Tip Number 1: Show some affection!
It's always good to show some affection and actions definitely speak louder than words when it comes to romance. When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, sometimes it's good to show your affection, rather than just speaking it.
Small acts of intimacy, like placing your hand on your partners shoulder or simply placing your hand gently on your loved ones thigh as you are watching TV can go a long way to showing someone how much you really care. Showing affection, in whatever way feels natural conveys that feeling of warmth and intimacy you are striving for. Sometimes, the slightest little touch is all you need, because it really helps get your point across. Keep in mind this isn't about sex, but more about creating and nurturing that intimate connection.
Tip Number 2: Tell your partner you love them.
Now you may not want to do this on the first date if you are entering into a new relationship, but taking a moment every now and then to clearly express your love can go a long way. Telling your partner you love them, without expecting an "I love you" back can help your significant other feel wanted and cared for and secure in the relationship.
Tip Number 3: Show some appreciation.
This tip is all about letting your partner know on a regular basis what you admire, and what you like about them. It's really very simple. Whether you are in a new relationship or a long-term one, you can never go wrong when you encourage and support someone. You could, for example, tell your partner you admire their ability to stick to a goal or even that you admire the way they face obstacles or setbacks.
Tip Number 4: Share yourself.
In other words, don't keep your dreams or your fears to yourself! If it's important to you, it will be important for your partner. It's easy to forget to share, but it's an important tip to remember for building intimacy.
Tip Number 5: Be an active listener.
There is nothing more frustrating than someone who talks over you. It's so important to be an active listener, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves to be quiet for a change and to listen to what our friends or our partners are trying to tell us. If you feel like you talk all the time, try listening intently the next time you have a conversation. You just may be surprised at what you find out!
Tip Number 6: Leave a note or a small token of your affection.
It's not really necessary to constantly buy gifts, but you can leave little notes of appreciation or other tokens of affection. For example, you could call your spouse during the day and just leave a message that you love them. If you do the cooking, try leaving a post-it note on their plate or on the table with a little smiley face or a short note of affection.
These don't have to be big things, and as a matter of fact, the smaller things can mean more.
Tip Number 7: Make time alone a priority.
Everyone needs time alone every now and then, even the most social person. It's OK to want time alone and it's even healthy. If you don't have a strong desire to do something on your own, just make a date with some friends and meet them for lunch or dinner for a nice change and tell your partner they can do the same. Sometimes a little perspective and a little time away is nice.
Tip Number 8: Don't take anything or anyone for granted.
Having a sense of gratitude for your partner and what they offer can go a long way. If you are happy in your relationship, your partner is most likely putting some effort into the little things they do for you day in and day out. It's important to feel grateful for those little things and to never take the relationship for granted.
Remember if you start taking your partner for granted.....the relationship may start slipping away.
Tip Number 9: Do unto others as you would have done to you.
This is such an important rule. We should always do unto others as we would like done to us. Striving for equality is important and following this golden rule should be one of your top priorities. If you find yourself treating your partner unfairly or telling little white lies, you may want to reexamine whether your heart is invested in the right place.
Tip Number 10: Appreciate your partner's "quirks".
Sometimes those things you used to love when it comes to your partner become the things you hate down the road because people's quirks can get on your nerves! Those little things you loved when you first started dating may just be the same things that irritate you today. If you find yourself getting irritated by those little eccentricities, take a moment to step back and remember that each of us is unique. You probably have just as many things that bug your partner as they have that bug you. When you can start appreciating those things, your relationship will be much healthier.
Tip Number 11: Make a little "love".
You might think that "scheduling" time for sex is a good thing, but the reality is it may not be. If you schedule time for sex, you may feel obligated to stick to a schedule, whether you feel like it or not. The truth is it is better to be spontaneous when it comes to making love, so your heart is in the right place.
There's nothing wrong with scheduling a date night, just approach it with an open mind. If you feel like making love, that's great! If not, why create any added pressure?
Tip Number 12: Say thank you often.
Sometimes we may forget to say a simple thank you to the ones we love. Saying thanks is a good rule to remember, and it's easy to do. You can thank your partner for getting you a cup of coffee or simply thank them for being there for you every day.
Tip Number 13: Try and overlook the small things by loving each other "unconditionally".
When you overlook the small things and make a pact to love your partner unconditionally, it sets you free. Always remember that when you are in a partnership, it may not always be easy, but if you love someone it's worth the effort.
Tip Number 14: End or start fights with a hug.
This is a great rule of thumb and something you can do even if you haven't resolved the issue. When you start and end fights with a hug, you will feel better no matter what.
Tip Number 15: Give each other some breathing room.
Even those with the closest relationships sometimes need some alone time. When you take the time to do your own thing and to give yourself some space, the absence will make the heart grow fonder.
Tip Number 16: Don't take people for granted.
This is so important! Don't ever take your partner for granted, because this could lead to arguments or even affairs.
Tip Number 17: Be willing to give positive or constructive feedback or criticism.
Never shy away from constructive criticism - because it will help you and your partner become better people. If you don't like something for example, you could say something like "I love you, but it drives me crazy when you chew ice. I'm worried that your teeth will break."
Tip Number 18: Look sexy for each other by putting in that extra effort.
It's always a good idea to put your best foot forward, even if you are only going out to run errands. When you take the time to look and feel your best, people will appreciate the effort.
Tip Number 19: Commit to a date night on a regular basis.
This is important, even if you only have time to schedule something once a month. It doesn't have to be fancy, because even going out for pizza counts, as long as you make the time to spend an evening together without interruptions.
Tip Number 20: Look for ways to compliment your partner or be spontaneous with your affection.
It's OK to be bold! If you feel like hugging and kissing your partner when you're simply sitting around the house, that's great! There are no rules when it comes to ways to express affection, so don't be shy about telling your partner how much you dig them!
Tip Number 21: Learn to forgive - don't hold onto grudges.
The best way to overcome relationship difficulties is to forgive and forget. Everyone makes mistakes; so don't make the mistake of carrying around old outdated baggage that you should have dropped off long ago. Do yourself a favour and learn to forgive.
Tip Number 22: Always respect your partner.
Respect is so important because without it, you don't have much. When you treat your partner with the love and respect they deserve, you will feel better overall.
Tip Number 23: Be trustworthy and honest.
It goes without saying that you should always be trustworthy and honest. If you do find that your relationship has lost that sense of trust, try and have an open and honest dialogue about it to see if it's possible to get it back.
Tip Number 24: Learn your partner's "love language".
Do you know your partner's love language? Just as people communicate differently, they also have different ways they like to receive love. While some people like little gifts like a handwritten note or something sentimental, others enjoy spending quality time together.
Other ways people like to receive love are: acts of service, having nice things done for them, physical touch like a hand on their leg or shoulder or simply words of affirmation.
If you don't know your partner's love language, simply ask them what is important for them and they will usually tell you! Love languages will be reviewed later on in the following articles, so at this point, you only need a basic awareness of them.
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